Sunday, July 13, 2008

Catching Up

About twice a week I go to Lost and Found just to see what's up in the IF community of amazing people that I have lately neglected. During the earlier stages of my pregnancy, I hate to say this, but I stayed away. I was full of fear for what I had previously experienced and what I never wanted to go through again.

Now when I visit I am just full of sadness for people who have bad news to share. And then I think...why am I pregnant? Why not them? Why does it work out for some and not for others? Not being a very religious person, I think God has absolutely no play in it, but I understand that some put a huge emphasis on God's role. Could it be just pure luck? Is this all just part of our individual paths? Sometimes my spirituality (note: not religion) plays into it and I wonder about karma and suffering and reincarnation. After the death of our first baby in May 2007 I often would visit a reincarnation/past life regression forum, I guess I was looking for some kind of understanding of why this happened and where my baby was. I felt very alone after the death. OT didn't cry, I got the overall "this sucks" emotion from him. Sadly, I can't say he was supportive either...he was ready to move on and didn't grieve. If he did grieve I didn't see it. I just don't understand why that pregnancy didn't happen and why this one seems to be moving right along. Someone suggested to me that this baby and the previous baby are one in the same, he just wasn't ready to join this world at that time. I'm just not sure if I buy into that...however, that would provide me with oodles of comfort.

So here I am, wondering why me. I'm feeling for others who share a similar journey with the opposite outcome. I'm also wondering what part all these issues will play when it comes to parenting (and let me tell you, I have huge fears regarding parenting).