Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Last Day of Work

Today was unexpectedly my last day of work, and I'd be lying if I said I were upset about it. The hospital I work at is small and I'm the one and only therapist on at any given time. This is not an arrangement I care for. The hospital I worked at previously (before I got too pregnant- read "too lazy"- to work a 12 hour shift) I was one of 90 therapists in our department. There was always someone to get a second opinion from and always someone designated to help out if you were to fall behind. Well, today my swollen little pregnant body just couldn't take it anymore. I pouted and cried to OT for a bit and then decided that it was best for me to call it quits for the next few months. I am so mentally checked out anyway, so it's probably better for the patient and for myself that I'm not there. The unfortunate part is that until I have this baby I'll be waking up in the wee hours of the morning and cooking breakfast for my hardworking husband. Not that I mind, but sleeping these days is a real challenge for me. Why is it that as soon as I drift off this little person inside me decides that it's time to push/kick/hiccup or whatever....?

I've also come into contact with sooooo many people that think I want to hear their advice/opinion on parenting. I'm always down for someone offering advice when and if I need it, but to flat out tell me how it's going to be really gets to me. Most people don't know how this pregnancy or how our struggle to become pregnant came about, and if people do know, unless they have been there I find that others cannot comprehend the trials and tribulations of infertility. So when my baby cries all night, pees all over me, goes through a million diapers a day...I don't care and I will be grateful. I will never see parenting as a chore, as some people express it to be, or as something that I was unexpectedly plunged into. Every day I will wake up and choose to be a parent, I will never be obligated. I feel very privileged to have this little being.

As I look back on this journey I see so much. It has lasted for what seems like decades- miscarriage, medications, months and months of waiting, oodles of pregnancy tests, even more disappointment, IUI's, more pelvic ultrasounds than any one girl will ever want....and it came down to some sperm in a cup and one lone viable follicle.

I still remember the morning I took the pregnancy was only twelve days after the IUI. I had worked a very long night shift. I came home, got ready for bed, and decided to prematurely take the test. I would always take the pregnancy test prematurely, and I would continue to take them for days and days, until I knew no hope was left. The last thing I expected was two lines- dark pink and the faintest of lines. I immediately called OT and even days later he still didn't believe I was pregnant. Only when the RE checked my HCG levels did he buy it. When they doubled 48 hours later we both became hopeful.

I've learned so much. I feel that I know so much more about myself, about my husband and about other people. In the past I feel I acted very selfishly, putting value in the incorrect things. I've grown apart from some friends and much closer to others. I've come to assess people much differently.

Throughout this struggle I think I have realized what is most important for me, for my life, and now for my family.


bunzi said...

well-written, poignant. :)