Sunday, November 23, 2008


(Notice how my template is all effed up? That is a Blogger issue that I've dealt with all too often, and the issue that I eventually became fed up with and switched hosts. Ugh. Blogger is like a bad boyfriend, and I'm the stupid girl that always goes back to him)

In the 4 weeks following Owen's birth I was an emotional mess. I felt overwhelmed, completely and totally overwhelmed. OT said he read in a brochure at the hospital that this was all very normal and all in my head. Never tell an emotional woman postpartum that all her feelings are in her head. Never. The feelings of being overwhelmed and lack of support (not only lack of spousal support but also lack of family support) were nearly unbearable. What I first thought was the "baby blues" has now turned into, what I realized only days ago, full on postpartum depression.

Over these past three months I've been having strange and upsetting thoughts that are not at all usual to me. These thoughts intensified Friday night while I was working. It went kind of like this:

Horrible thoughts --> Extreme guilt-->Severe anxiety attack

All these feelings tend to stay with me as well as a completely overwhelming sense of ultimate responsibility. It is almost like the objective, logical part of my brain and the emotional part of my brain have a disconnect. I know these feelings and thoughts are not true, not real- but for some reason I can't help but feeling sad, confused, crazy and at times totally empty.

Months ago I would have never thought that I would have postpartum depression. After trying for so long to have a baby and going through round after round of fertility drugs and procedures, I was so excited and happy to be pregnant. I've learned that keeping these feelings in makes me feel worse. Talking about them makes me feel better, less like a horrible, monster-like mother. Monday morning I'm going to call my OB and get an immediate appointment. I don't think any new mother should have to feel like this. These are precious times I will never get back with Owen. I hope there is a solution for me.


Piccinigirl said...

Oh my, but you're right the FIRST and best thing to do is get help. I take an anti anxiety and am thinking of anti depressant (as long as they can tell me it won't interfere with my migraine meds)

Being a mom is so hard, it really really is and those of us that were IF feel even more guilt because we're NOT suppossed to feel this way and be SO grateful that we had the baby we "wanted so much" right? I feel for you, because I have had so many days of "what the He** was I thinking?, I can't possibly do this". So I applaud you for knowing that your little man needs you a lot and you want to be there for him. Want to be present.

good luck and email me if you want to "talk"..I understand so much what you are going through. I'm here for you if you need me.


Katherine Stone said...

It's NOT in your head. Come visit the other Warrior Moms who have been through this at Postpartum Progress and you will see that you are not alone and that actually this illness is fairly common. I had the type of thoughts you are having -- I know how upsetting they are but with treatment they are only temporary. And by the way, women who go through infertility are at a higher risk for perinatal mood and anxiety disorders than the general population. So you come by this honestly.